


My Subconscious Whispers in the Night: Coward, Coward

by Bluehaven4220



Series: Ray and Jenna: That's Just Buddies [3]
Category: due South
Genre: Heartbreak, M/M, Ray receives a letter, Things that should have been said but weren't said, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-09 03:19:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11095782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluehaven4220/pseuds/Bluehaven4220
Summary: Almost five months after Ray poured his heart out on paper and stuffed it into an envelope destined for Inuvik, he receives a response.Sequel to "Going Over It All Again"





	My Subconscious Whispers in the Night: Coward, Coward

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ride_Forever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ride_Forever/gifts).



> For Ride_Forever, who asked me months ago if I would ever write Ben's response to Ray's letter in "Going Over It All Again". I hope you like it!
> 
> Currently unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine

Ray Kowalski opened the front door to his apartment, his now four year old daughter Melanie stopping to take the pile of mail from his hand, and then putting it on the hallway table to kick her shoes off. One of her favourite things to do was sort his mail, mostly because she liked seeing where it’d come from. She was mostly interested in where the mail had been mailed from, collecting different stamps, seeing if there were any photos included...stuff like that. 

Of course, sorting mail and collecting stamps came after her daily adventures with  _ Barbie  _ dolls. He was damn lucky that most of Melanie’s collection stayed at Jenna’s; she only had a few in her bedroom so they were readily available when she stayed overnight. As a consequence, if he never heard “my apartment looks like  _ Barbie _ threw up in it!” again whenever he dropped Melanie off, it would be too soon.

His thoughts of Melanie’s  _ Barbie _ doll collection and all things associated with  _ Barbie _ came to an abrupt end when his daughter made her way out of the hallway, stack of mail in hand.

“Bill, bill, menu, bill....” he watched and listened as she made her way to the kitchen table and set to sorting it into different categories. Okay, she’d  _ definitely  _ inherited that from Jenna. At Melanie’s age, Ray had still been learning how to brush his teeth properly, tie his shoes, and was still playing with toy trucks. And here was his daughter sorting mail and learning the periodic table. What a smarty-pants. Yep, her smarts had definitely come from Jenna’s side of their unconventional family. The chorus of “bill, bill, flyer, ‘nother flyer” stopped as she picked up a standard envelope and examined it carefully. “Daddy, is a letter for you!” she called to him as he opened the dishwasher to let everything air dry and then put away before he brought her back to Jenna’s house. 

“A letter?” he checked that there was nothing on the floor in the kitchen and made his way to the table. “Who is it from, sweetie?” 

“I dunno,” she brought the envelope closer and squinted. “But the address is Ee-nu-vick?” She then held it out to him.

“Inuvik?” he repeated and accepted the envelope. There, in what could only be Benton Fraser’s tidy handwriting, was a response to the letter he’d almost burned, but instead had taken a chance and sent it to Canada. “That’s where Daddy’s friend Fraser lives. Thank you, Melanie.”

“Open it, please Daddy?”

“No can do, sweetie. I’ll have to read this letter after you go back to Mommy’s house.”

“But why? What’s it say?” She asked. He could understand why she felt so confused. He usually let her open his letters and keep the stamp if he was going to read them right away. Why should this time be any different?

“I don’t know yet,” he answered, flicking her nose. “But it’s probably grown up stuff.”

Melanie stuck her bottom lip out. “That means I’m not supposed to see it. When will I be a grown up? I’d like to get letters too.”

Ray chuckled. “Too soon for my liking, Melanie Irene Kowalski,” he made a point of using her full name. “And most of the letters grown ups get are bills, which aren’t that exciting.” Ray looked over at the microwave, noting the time. “Almost time to get you back to Mommy’s house. Are you ready to go?”

“Yes,” Melanie got up from the table. “I go get my shoes back on now.”

Ray smiled to himself, and went into his bedroom. He tossed the letter onto the bed, knowing that, whether he wanted to or not, he was going to have to open and read that letter, because he’d been waiting three and a half years to hear from Benton Fraser. Then again, since he  _ had _ waited three and a half years, another hour wouldn’t kill him.  

ooOoo

After dropping Melanie back off with Jenna, Ray came home to an empty apartment. As much as he and Jenna worked together to co- parent effectively, it was still damn difficult to not have Melanie with him as much as he would have liked. Still, he reasoned, he was damn lucky he  and Jenna had recognized that, despite the fact they were having a child together, they were not a good fit romantically early on, and had decided that the arrangement they had currently was best for everyone concerned.

Shaking his head, he remembered the letter lying on his bed. He took a deep breath, steadied his nerves, and went back into the bedroom. He picked up the piece of mail and dug a finger into the corner of the envelope, ripping it open and extracting the folded piece of paper. According to the date on the letter, Fraser had sent it the week before.

January 14th 

_ Dear Ray, _

_ First off, may I say how happy I am to hear from you. You’re absolutely right, three years is far too long. I must apologize for the long silence, as that was never my intention. Life simply got in the way, though that is a very poor excuse. I was happy to hear you have a daughter, and how she is healthy and thriving and growing. However, please give yourself some credit, you are a very intelligent man, and she is bound to have inherited something from you as well. I’m glad you finally got your wish, as I know how badly you wanted to be a father. That said, I always knew you would make an excellent parent, though I was never entirely sure of your relationship with her mother, but that is none of my business. I always did like Jenna, you seemed to be a very good match. I hope all is well on that front, however you’ve worked out arrangements. Thank you for the photograph, by the way. Melanie is a gorgeous little girl and looks very much like you. _

_ In response, enclosed you will find my own family portrait. It is of myself, my wife Kelly, and our daughter Rachel. Though Rachel is not my biological daughter, she is my daughter in every way that matters. The adoption papers were processed when Kelly and I got married, and Rachel is officially Rachel Joanne Fraser. Her biological father was never in the picture and consequently signed his parental rights over to Kelly once we contacted him, so with that done, we faced no obstacle nor opposition when we first petitioned the court.  _

_ Rachel is almost twelve years old now, which I find hard to believe, seeing as I reconnected with her mother and met her just a few days after I came back to Inuvik, and well… as you can see, things have worked out as they should have. I still find it hard to believe that Rachel is nearly a teenager. Kelly and I are both stepping into unfamiliar territory, but we are confident that we will be able to weather any storms that come our way.  _

_ My apologies, I digress. The whole reason that I am writing back is because you deserve a response. I realize how difficult it must have been to put that letter in the mail, not knowing where I was or if I would ever read it, especially due to its nature. I owe you that much at the very least. Not just a response, but an apology. You told me the truth, _ your truth _ , and I did the only thing I could think of: I rejected you, and ran. Not because I do not love you,  _ ~~_ because I do _ ~~ _ , but because I could not be what you needed me to be. Because I am a coward.  _

_ Yes, it is I who is the coward, and, as you said, the asshole. Not you. You are the bravest man I have ever met, and probably will ever have the privilege to have known. I love you as a best friend, as a partner, Ray Kowalski, and I was a fool to throw that away. I suppose that part of the reason we have not spoken in three years is due to my embarrassment at the way I treated you. How could I ever apologize for what I said, for how I left you? A month before your daughter’s birth and nary a proper goodbye? That’s a rotten friend who would do such a thing, and you’d be collecting my bones if my wife and daughter ever found out about that. Perhaps I am exaggerating a bit, but the point is, a letter is a pathetic way to try to make amends, but the moment, it is the only recourse I have. I so badly want to see you again, Ray, to truly apologize for what I’ve done, but I know that is not an option, simply because I know that whatever I say will never be enough. _

_ Please do not feel that you have to respond to this letter, as I do not know whether you will ever actually read it. I confess to having similar thoughts to what you were contemplating when you were writing to me. I am sorely tempted to rip this letter into tiny pieces and throw it into the fireplace and watch it curl into ashes and soot, as I did with the first draft, but I will not do that again. I am going to listen to Kelly and be brave and put this letter in the mail to you. I will write the address you gave me on the front on another envelope, put a stamp on it, and send it out with the next mail run tomorrow morning. _

_ In case you do read it, please know that all is well here in Inuvik, _ _and_ ~~_in_~~ ~~_ answer to your question, yes, I have found what I am looking for  _ ~~ _ I hope you have found what you have been looking for as well, because you deserve the very best.  _

_ Give my regards to Jenna and Melanie if you would. _

_ Best, and with most profound apologies, _

_ Const. Benton Fraser, RCMP  _

Damn it, that last line. Ray understood that this was a case of “he wants what he can’t have”. Ray cannot have Ben because Ben is in love with someone else, and it hurts. It’s like his heart has been ripped in two again. 

And the way he signed that letter… that was pretty much back to how it was when they first met. Confused (on Ben’s part), formal (also on Ben’s part), and not at all friends (and not for lack of trying those first few hours). But that was what Fraser did when things got too emotional, he put on his “Mountie mask” and retreated to what he knew best: the how and why he was better off thousands of miles away from those that loved him. 

The whole thing made Ray’s head hurt.

It was all he could do to lean forward, put his head in his hands, and sob.    


End file.
